Sex, Cussing & a Bag of Weed

Before you think I’ve lost it for real, let me tell you.  My friend and I had a day straight from a Harold & Kumar movie!  All that was missing was the sex, cussing & a bag of weed!  Think I’m lying?  Let me take you on the journey with us…

My friend Tiff had to go to the hospital for a followup visit one city over so I decided I’d tag along.  We’re just riding along, joking and laughing.  We get into the city & the car starts tripping!  Lights on her GPS panel start blinking.  Ok, no big deal.  A few minutes later, the GPS panel goes completely dark.  She calls her hubby and he says no big deal.  So we trek on.  Less than another mile down the road, the dash lights start to blink.  Then the levels start going all over the place.  We both are concerned, but no big deal.  Then the dash lights go out COMPLETELY.  So here we are, no GPS, no speedometer, gas light, etc.  Stuff just got real.  But, just when she was about to start wigging out I said, “It’s ok.  The brake and the gas work, right?”  She tests them.  Yep.  Ok, no big deal!  We’re close enough that we can actually see our exit on the highway.  Oh wait, I didn’t mention we were on the highway, did I?  Yes, chirren.  We were on a major highway in some considerable traffic.  But we keep cool and decide to go to Auto Zone directly after we are done at the hospital.

So now the real fun begins.

The car completely dies.

Yup.  All I hear her say is “Uh, oh.  That’s it.  It’s gone.”  Now on the outside, I guess I was calm.  On the inside, I was freaking the freak out.  My inner monologue started something like this:

“Uh oh?  UH OH?  GIRL, WHAT YOU MEAN, UH OH?!  OH (BAD WORD) NO!  NOT ON THE SIDE OF THIS CRAZY (BAD WORD) HIGHWAY!!!  UM, DO YOU NOT SEE THAT 50 FOOT DROP ON MY SIDE OF THE CAR?”  (There was a concrete waist high wall there, but that didn’t matter at that point-I was in the losing-my-ever-loving-mind mode).

Y’all, that car shimmied and then started toward that wall and I just started bugging!!!  I was in Jesus’ FACE like, “DUDE, FIX THIS NOW!  NUH-UH, BRUH.  I LOVE YOU, BUT I’M NOT TRYING TO SEE YOU TODAY!  NOT LIKE THIS!!!”

Ok, inner monologue over.  The car comes to a jerky stop and I exhale.  Side note:  my friend is NOT a bad driver.  Never has been.  The car just up and died.  Gave up the ghost.  Quit like a disgruntled postal worker.  And where did it decide to die on us?  Like a quarter mile from the dad burn exit we needed to take.  You could SEE the exit sign and the ENTIRE ramp, y’all.  Oh, to make it better, we were directly across from the hospital we were going to.  Just about one or two hundred feet in the air and about a thousand feet away from where we needed to be.  Perfect.

Ok, that was interesting, right?  Yeah.  I thought you’d feel that way.  Well, it ain’t over.  No baby, this is the dust blowing around on the tip of the iceberg.  We are sitting there and then she’s like, what do we do now?  I was like “Huh!?” (on the inside-I told y’all I am calm on the outside and doing a serious Donald Duck fit on the inside).  So we sit there for a moment and ya’ll I ain’t lying.  I can LITERALLY hear the Jeopardy theme music playing in my head!  Jesus spoke:  Call & text your husbands.  (Oh Lord.  DUH!  We are after all only about 25 minutes from home.)

I text mine & let him know what’s going on.  He was so sweet that I was almost suspicious (he must have been watching First Take to see what was up with Skip Bayless leaving the show).   But let me tell you how I almost jumped through the phone and killed his little butt.  Have you ever been trying to use the phone and people keep texting/group texting/calling/emailing you all at the same time?  It’s not fun.  His little butt kept texting me and knocking me out of the screen I was in!  And make it so bad, he thought he was cute!  He made it on my hit list after that little stunt.  Along with the 6 people who had me strung up in group text blasts ALL DAY LONG.  Anyone know how to get out of those things?

Anyway, her husband suggests we 1. get an Uber, 2. keep the doctor’s appointment, 3. call AAA to get the car & take us to the mechanic in our home town & we go from there.  So we try it.  Little did I know, she’s going to the website on her phone.  It’s not working out & it’s been 5 minutes.  Um…we are still on this freaking bridge!!!  I decide to get the app.  I promise, y’all, I would have been calmer if an 18 wheeler wouldn’t have come by & shook us so bad I thought we were being raptured.  Y’all pray for my nerves.

Side note: let me tell you some real stuff about my family.  WE DON’T DOWNLOAD APPS UNLESS WE’RE ON WIFI.  NO.  JOKE.  My husband would have said to walk to the hospital.  My oldest son probably would have agreed or said to let her do that mess on her phone & that we ain’t ’bout that life.  However, since I felt my mortal life was at stake, I took the plunge.

Back to the story.  Y’all, why did it take longer to download the app and put in the payment info than it did for the Uber man to get there!  That man got there in less than 4 minutes.  NO JOKE!  And that car.  Y’all, the brother rolled up right behind us in a brand new cute as a button black Honda Civic.  He made sure we were ok (I had to call him and explain that we were on the side of the road on the highway & not at the Hardee’s 50 ft below the ramp like the GPS tried to say), whisked us away, got us to the hospital and dropped us off to safety in no time flat.  He was courteous, professional and best of all SYMPATHETIC!  I mean the service was FABULOUS!!!!!  That man got a $10 tip on a $4 ride across the street!.  I was so glad I was safe that I would’ve given him my left shoe if he would’ve asked.

But we were not safe yet.  Nope.  Not by a long shot.  And you know what else?  You’re going to have to wait until my next installment tomorrow to find out the rest of this foolishness.  Why?  It’s late!  LOL!!!  Now don’t be mad, just be back tomorrow for part 2!  I promise it’ll be worth it.  Love ya!

Tonya

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2 thoughts on “Sex, Cussing & a Bag of Weed

  1. Pingback: Sex, Cussing & a Bag of Weed (The Conclusion) | Tonya Joyner Speaks

  2. Pingback: Sex, Cussing & a Bag of Weed Part 2 | Tonya Joyner Speaks

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